Owls on a Mouse
I usually like to post peaceful moments. Those are the ones that are most inspired. This time I was in a peaceful place feeling very conflicted.
Why do I feel so shitty and replete with doubt, discomfort, insecurity, and sadness? Probably because I’ve been subsisting on espresso, pasta, white wine, and gelato.
C’mon, bro, cause and effect.What I see in that picture of me on the rock: This guy is lost, wanting for purpose, over the hill, and slow as fuck in a fast world. I perceive the Earth as walking on crutches - injured and overworked with a bad back. But more accurately, I am overworked; my body is. Overindulged, overstimulated, and tired.
Run.
I’m sitting on a rock in a calm sea on an empty planet. It’s night here, and I’m overlooking the Earth. I can’t make contact with it. It looks busy. Eventually, I’ll be back on it. For now, I’m grateful to own this quiet planet.
I developed that mantra to deal with loneliness and overstimulation when I lived in Cairo years ago as an exchange student. That seemed like a wise coping mechanism all those years ago. I realize now that it was just a haughty way to excuse my self-isolation.
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I’m in Puglia, the Southeastern Coast of Italy. A reward to myself for publishing my book. It’s calm and beautiful, and everyone is kind. I thought I would enjoy this portion the most. There have been agonizing moments.
I am alone and at pains to meet other travelers. I was afraid of that, but I knew it would happen sooner or later. No one else is traveling alone, or it seems to me from my diffident, inward-looking perspective.
That I get to do this is enviable. That I must do it alone allows doubts to swoop in like owls on a mouse.
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Today, I swam across a lagoon amid turbulent waves. There’s nothing remotely dangerous in the water for hundreds of miles, yet I think of sharks. The area is too dead. It’s polluted and overfished for there to be any.
That’s how the doubt works. Unsubstantiated dangers prevail over higher judgment and pure logic.
I could never have imagined it would be this difficult to be alone a few weeks ago. But it is excruciating. So silent in the room. So loud in my head.
Get me out of here. Help is not coming. Help yourself.
RUN.
Why has attaining the self-success I’ve wanted throughout my life alluded me despite my shrinking goals? I like to think I don’t want many things. But the number I do want is still crushing. I wish I had no wishes.
I booked a northern train to abandon the present. I can’t do this another day.
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Hours later…
I look forward to the next life contraction when I can’t pay for this anymore. Hopefully, I’ll have more responsibilities then. I look forward to it because I get to look back on moments like these on the coast of a beautiful town full of kind, happy people.
I welcome the location and circumstances of my next deployment. I feel amazing right now because I am un-indulged. Not drunk, high or coming down from caffeine and sugar.
I am enjoying myself…nothing can be better…than this moment.
…People surely must feel like this place is somewhat tainted by the interruption of natural beauty by clumps of trash among the waves migrating into picturesque coves. It reminds me of the coast of Beirut but slightly less tragic. (I hope you can edit that out of your pre-wedding photo shoot.)
There are a lot of men here with their ladies. Not me, praise be to God. My loneliness is the cost of my determination not to be cliche.
Run.
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